Monday, July 12, 2010

Gone but not forgotten

Today marked 10 years since my sister Cindy went to be with Lord. I woke with a heavy heart this morning as memories of that day flooded my brain. It was the worst day of my life, how could I ever forget.

My big sister who was 9 years my elder and who was more of a mom to me growing up than my own mother, died on July 12, 2000. She and I were both pregnant, I with my first and Cindy with her 3rd. Our due dates were 2 days apart from one another. I was the first person she called to tell of her baby news and I rejoiced with her. When only 1 short week passed and I too found out I was going to be a mother, she rejoiced along with me. Our last 9 months as sisters and friends was spent with hours of phone conversations (Cindy lived in another state). We compared pregnancy woes and grew closer during that time.

Due to the fact that I was measuring bigger than my expected due date, my doctor was a bit worried my baby would be too big for my petite body. I was induced 2 weeks early. My birth was not a pleasant one (whole other story) and ended in a c-secton. I remember feeling a deep sense of loss. Most of all I felt like a big fat failure. I remember my last conversation with Cindy. I had just come home from the hospital and was crying to her on the phone. In her soft, sweet voice she said "I am so proud of you!". I needed her encouragement at that moment, I needed someone to let me know it was okay and that none of it was my fault. She encouraged me. She told me she loved me. Little did I know that would be the last time I heard her voice.

The very next day she went into labor. Everything went great. Her beautiful daughter was born and was as healthy as can be. Then the bleeding started and would not stop. The doctor's tried to do an emergency hysterectomy, but her body was losing blood at such a rate that even with the transfusions it would not stabilize.

I remember the phone call we received asking for prayer. My dad was on the other line with a shaky voice,"Pray he said, they don't think she will make it." Dropping the phone down I cried out to God to spare my sister's life. It never crossed my mind that she may actually die. I assumed she would pull through by some miracle and life would go on as we have always known it.

A couple hours later my husband was called at work and notified that Cindy had passed. They wanted him to break the news to me. The minute he walked through the door and I saw his face, I knew. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment. It was if the whole world paused for that moment in time and all the pain you could possibly imagine came down on me. Words cannot express how I felt.

At that moment, I didn't see how life could go on. Even as I held my newborn son I felt at a loss of how to go on, how to be a mother. But, life continued on. I never could understand why my birth went the way it did but now looking back I can see how God was looking out for me. Had I not had my son when I did, I would have had my baby after my sisters death. I cannot even imagine the fear I would have felt with the knowledge my sister died in childbirth.

It has been 10 years since that day and although I miss my sister with all my being and would give anything to hear her voice once more, to see her face, hear her laugh....I know my sister is with my God in Heaven and someday we will be reunited and It will be my turn to say how proud I am of her!

Proverbs 31:10-30

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

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Southern Belle said...

I am in tears. Such a beautifully written tribute to your sister and so terribly sad. Yet though sad, your post is full of hope because you and I both know that one day you will see your sister again in Heaven.

lar1203 said...

hugs to you.

Gina said...

Prayers for your sister, may she rest in peace.

Shannon (Coupon Mommy Of 3) said...

What a beautiful post and at the same time I sat and cried. I love to hear how close you were and how you were both so proud of each other that is amazing and awesome.

I will be thinking about you!

Stephanie said...

Oh, my heart is breaking for you...thank you for sharing your heart. I lost my grandfather three months ago and the pain is still so real. I was very close with him and the hardest thing in my grief has been knowing he never made a profession of faith in the saving grace of Jesus. So glad you can rejoice in knowing where your sister is. Praying for your heart today.

Lauren said...

Crying for you this morning and all those who lost so much when they lost Cindy. I know she is so thankful to have had you for a sister. I just prayed for you and your family today that your day would be filled with joyful memories of your time with her and hope for your reunion to come.

Jhona O. said...

Thank you for sharing your sister with us today. Losing such a treasure would be difficult! I will pray for you and your family as I think of you throughout the day. You honor her so much by remembering her in this way! Much love to you!

Michelle said...

My heart hurts for you. I'm sure she is helping you from heaven as you walk your parenting journey.
Sending a hug,

Temberton said...

Thank you for sharing. I cannot even imagine your pain! I'm so very sorry for your loss. (((Great Big Bear Hugs)))

Trish and Rob said...

I am right there with you, May 10th was 8 years since my sister died and she delivered her son just six months earlier. I don't have the fear of giving birth but every time I feel something strange in my body my first fear is cancer. My sister was my closest friend and she can never be replaced in my heart.

Waterdreamer said...

Hugs. I cried reading this. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Mindy said...

This is such a lovely tribute to your sister. Thank you for sharing a it of your love for her with us.

newmami_rgv said...

Aww, *tears* I'm sending hugs your way and prayers to your sister.

Sarah Halstead said...

Such a great story. i am so sorry for your loss. I could not even imagine. Praying for you and your whole family.

Melinda said...

I'm so sorry for your loss *hugs*

Katie said...

I am so very sorry. Many prayers and hugs for you.

Christa said...

I will be praying for your family and your sister today. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, I don't know how you coped! You are so strong! It's amazing that you guys got to experience being pregnant together that is very special! Are you close with her children?

Hippie4ever said...

I am so sorry for your family's loss, what a comfort to know you will see her someday!

Hippie4ever said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tamara said...

Wow, what a beautiful tribute! God does certainly work in mysterious ways, but he is always watching out for us. What a blessing to have had such a special relationship with your sister.

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