Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dealing with rejection from other moms

A couple months ago I opened one of my monthly homeschool support group newsletters and found a request for mothers and daughters to attend a mother/daughter group here locally. Each month the moms and daughters would get together to work on homemaking skills such a embroidery, jewelry making, etc. It sounded great! I immediately thought about my daughter but also thought about a 14 year old girl I know who I could bring along. This girl does not have a mom and I knew she would love to join us. I emailed the woman in charge and after explaining that the girl is "a good girl" she agreed to let me bring her despite my not being her mother.

Last week we attended our first meeting. Two other moms and their children were there and everyone seemed to be having a good time. My girls were having fun and thanked me for bring them. We had worked on embroidery together and chatted as we worked. Didn't talk about anything too serious... mainly sewing, cloth diapering, homeschool, stuff like that. After we sewed the kids had a snack and then went out back to play. I chatted with the other two moms for probably a good hour or so. Again, we didn't touch on any touchy subjects such as religion or politics, just had conversations about couponing, our husband's jobs, etc. We left all in good standing and I thought the day was a success.

This morning I opened my email to find a letter from the main woman (the one who puts this group together). Her email went along to say, " While I was looking to expand the Mother-Daughter Co-op, it is important to keep my focus narrow and not to over reach. I am looking for member families who would be the right fit for the co-op as a whole as well as a good fit with other member families who are already a part of this activity."and "We want to be able to fulfil the needs and desires of the ladies involved in this co-op and I'm thinking that we just may not be able to offer you a format that would allow you to excel and grow in your walk with the LORD."

Wow! shouldn't I be the one who decides if a group is able to excel my walk with the Lord? Is it really her right to make this call for me? Wasn't this group announced to a large homeschool community "open for all"?

I replied to this email. I am no dummy and can read between the lines. It as clear as day that an offense was taken in some way. I just can't seem to think what? I asked in my email for her to be honest with me. I feel I at least deserve an honest answer. At first I thought maybe it was because of the 14 year old girl. And how sad that would be. Doesn't the bible teach us older woman to teach the younger woman and doesn't it also tell us to help the fatherless (or motherless in this case)? I don't think it is only the girl though, I had asked for that same woman to email me info. on another coop group that exclusively does field trips and she also mentioned this in her email stating that she didn't feel I was a good "fit" for that either (even though again it was offered to anyone who wanted to attend).

I am having a hard time letting this go. I feel hurt, rejected and very confused as to what I did that was so offensive. My daughter and I were dressed modestly, we behaved ourselves in a mannerly fashion, we were friendly...I don't get it!

In all my 32 years of living, I have never experience anything like this. I no longer wish to attend the group of course, but am hurt by the whole ordeal. Why are people so confusing these days? I find it very hard to make and maintain friendships than ever before. Why can't moms be "real". Why can't we approach each other when offenses arise instead of resorting to excuses (lame ones at that) and not being honest with each other. I don't know these woman, they don't know me. I hate that I was so harshly judged on first impressions.

I just needed to get this off my chest. I had a hard day because of it and have been sad. I don't like being unliked. How do all of you deal with rejection from other moms? Would something like this bother you? I know I am a sensitive person, but clearly I am no longer welcome in this group. I think most woman would be hurt by this.

Anyway....I need some advice!

~Beth





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18 comments:

Tanya said...

I don't really have any advice for you. It sucks that happened to you. I have been in similar situations and I have felt crummy about it.
Hopefully you can find a group that is less cliquish. (sp)

Attila & Tamara said...

This stinks and I'm so sorry. It especially bothers me that this woman is a "Christian" and is behaving this way. The thing I LOVE about the body of Christ is that we are so diverse. Is it hard sometimes to get along with each other? Yes! But it stretches us and grows us. And it makes me sad that this woman can't stretch out of her box enough to welcome someone who on first impression "doesn't seem to be the right fit" for her group.
I prayed for you right now to find a welcoming place and good friendship somewhere!
Hugs!

Andy, Michelle, Isaiah, Ella, Joshua and Elijah said...

I am truely sorry that these other mom's treated you this way. I understand that it would be very difficult not to feel horrible about the email she sent you, but being a sensitive person myself, I just have to say try not to take it personally! The other women (or maybe just that one) maybe had some other agenda in meeting new people and it doesn't sound like those are the kind of moms you would want to invest your time in getting to know anyways. I've dealt with difficulties in women relationships and it's very hard. You can send me a message if you want to talk more about it. mmlittler at hotmail dot com.

Chari said...

I am so sorry they treated you that way. It is very hurtful to be rejected especially when you have no clue why. I've recently been ignored and taken off one of my cousins and his wifes Facebook friends list with no explanation why. No cross words were ever said and he has ignored my message asking why. And that's FAMILY! I have realized that so many relationships can quickly go down the tubes when there could have been better communication with both parties. I believe "assumptions" on how things were said, done, etc should not be reasons to push a relationship away. Things should be talked about and feelings expressed to each other so it can be repaired. BUT as we know, not everyone feels that way (obviously) and many relationships are never restored. Life is too short for people to act this way!

Carol J. Alexander said...

Wow, Beth! I guess I'm fortunate to have a homeschool support group that welcomes everyone with open arms. Seems to me if you weren't a "good fit" for the group, you would have sensed that eventually and stopped coming. Sounds to me like the woman in charge just didn't like you for some reason. So sad for a Christian to act this way. May God use this incident for His Glory.

Amanda said...

WOW!!! What a crock of doody! I can't believe that a group 'open to all' would even think about asking someone not to come back. This could have seriously damaged your walk with the Lord -the one they want so desperately to excel and grow in. REALLY? Who gave her the right? This outrages me. Even as s a Christian, yes, there are people we don't get along with, and usually there is one person or couple in small groups I've attended that just don't seem to 'fit in', but we loved them! We learned to appreciate what they brought to the group and we grew as people because we got to practice dealing with a "Lazarus". Wow, you have every right to be upset and ask kindly for real honest answers. I hope you get them.

DeniseL said...

I know your feelings are very hurt, as mine would be. But, honestly, the other woman is the one I feel sorry for. She obviously is under the impression that she's living in a Christian manner. Oh, how wrong she is! The funny thing is, if she is a true Christian, it should not matter if you were or not. She should accept everyone. EVERYONE. Good luck and hope you're feeling better :)

Krafty Girl said...

It sounds like that group was not meant for you. They are NOT acting "Christian". Shame on them.
I have run across people like this, and it is SO hard to not take personaly. I know I take things personally and it really gets to me. Then I realize it is not about me, it is about them, and if they have a problem with me, then that is sad for them and I move on knowing that I did nothing wrong. They have a chip on their shoulder from past expierience and live their life in fear. Because of that fear they would rather hurt you, then deal with there own personal demons.

So, move on and realize it is for the better. Smile and know that God loves you (and everybody) and He wants you to forgive and forget.
I hope I helped you.
Beth #2 HeeHee

Lori said...

Wow. You are one of my best friends. And while being a believer we are taught to "turn the other cheek" I may just have to punch this lady out! Can I just say that sometimes these things happen and it is a BLESSING and a protection from God to YOU! Sounds like she has a real problem, and according to the scriptures...she's going to if she doesn't straighten up. Pray for her, Beth. I'm sorry. We're going to party extra this Sat. night for your birthday. You have many friends that LOVE you. I'm your biggest girl"fan". LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU! Lori

Lori said...

ok...i just called you and you didn't pick up. I just have to say one more thing. Don't try to hard to figure out what happened. it might blow your brain. She's a JERK. You are an amazing crafter, a quiet and gentle spirit, and you blessed M by taking her.

HappilyDomestic said...

Thank you all for your heart felt comments. I know in my heart I did nothing wrong and pray that God opens this woman's eyes to her action. As for being a "Christian", I have learned in life that having that title doesn't mean very much. I have seen "Christian" people numerous times acting anything but "Christian". A true believer will be known by it's "Fruit". And obviously this woman is sewing seeds that produce rotton apples. I feel sorry for her actually.

But anyway, I appreciate everyone of you for leaving your comments. You made my day! I still haven't gotten a reply from that woman and probably won't, but at least I know I dont need to let this affect me. It hurts, but at least I was spared further hurt later when relationships were established.

Texas Momma said...

I'm so sorry this happened to you! It feels so crummy to be rejected by other moms, especially when you don't know why. As someone else said, don't worry with trying to figure out why because there's probably not a "good" reason. I pray you are able to find another homeschool group that is a good fit for you and the young lady you are trying to help. I wonder if that lady thought about how her actions would affect that young girl?!?! She is very lucky to have you in her life!

RJ said...

The responses you've already received have been awesome. I'm shocked by the other woman's behavior. She obviously has emotional problems. Keep your chin up!! You are a beautiful child of God!

Melissa + Tiffany @ Home Grown Families said...

I am so sorry this happened to you. Sadly it happens quite often in the homeschool world. I have been excluded from many groups because of my young age. I guess some people don't think you can be a good mother and teacher at 25. When my son was born I was politely kicked out of a group- a Christian stay at home mom group because I wan't married yet. While I did go on to marry him, and have 3 other children I was never allowed in the group and felt soo rejected. Again, I am sorry you had to experience that. I hope the girls take this as a lesson on how to be a good Christian woman, and lead by example. I hope you find a group that deserves you :)

Ginny said...

Yuck, how nasty of them. I guess they missed the lessons on giving people chances & getting along with other people. I've had issues with the non-profit group I work with. Even though in my head, I know it is the other person with issues. I can even see it with how they interact with others, etc, I still have hurt feelings. At one moment I can laugh, the next I'm upset over it.

This is one of those things you will get over, but every once in awhile you will remember it. It is a learning experience!

Homeschoolin Momma said...

It is very hard to deal with rejection. I am sorry this happened. But I am also sorry for the people who feel that they can dictate what is "spiritually" good for another person. A person's walk and growth in the Lord is a very personal matter and using that as an excuse is just wrong.

God may be protecting you from even more hurt by seperating you from such hurtful people. I will be praying that you find another local group that is more welcoming and uplifting to you and your family.

HappilyDomestic said...

Thanks, ladies! I am blessed to have such caring blog readers! I am sorry to hear that many of you have experienced similar situations. It stinks! But yes, I am thankful I didn't get more involved.

By the way- She never did email me back. :-(

Civil War...and More! said...

Unfortunately, this happens so often. I have been misquoted by an old friend, so many times, and in public (speaking and writing), and yet I know that if I bring it up, I will be seen as immature and picky! It DOES hurt. Thank goodness that the Bible reminds us that we are not to look to "man" for approval, and that Christ is our all in all. I also recently read something about a person who had been slandered. While it was indeed hurtful, he did not try to defend himself nor did he vent his feelings to others (something that I do way too often when I am hurt). His perspective was that, really, he was so much worse than the individual portrayed him to be. He was, of course, comparing himself to Christ, and underlined the fact that he, himself, deserved so much worse treatment than that to which he had been subjected by the slandering individual. It just reminded him all the more of the extent of God's grace and mercy. Now THAT is trust in the Lord!

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